Friday, June 7, 2013

Lazy Dad's Guide to Everything

I had a busy business lady business lunch meeting in the city...



I had a busy business lady business lunch meeting in the city today. And by city, I mean New York City, which is weird that I need to specify such things these days. And by lunch, I mean we had yum Japanese eats at the boy's favorite ramen joint in the city.

Along with a bowl of Hakata Ramen, the busy business lady lunch special comes with a bowl of chasu don, basically roasted Berkshire pork over rice.

I basically ate my weight in fatty pork today. No regrets.

Hey lazydaddy! I know you said you didn't want to talk about adoption on here anymore so I totes understand if you don't answer this. I'm gay and want to have kids one day, but I have a fear that they will encounter much teasing and bullying throughout school and life for having gay parent(s). Did you think about this before having The boy? Do you have talk or preparation with him about these possible scenarios? Did something ever happen that made you feel guilty for raising him? Thank you!!!!!!

Hey guurrl, hey! 

First, I should say that I am by no means an authority on anything, least of all adoption or gay parenting. What I can say with some authority is that there are lots of some really stupid, deranged people who take issue with both, partly because they were probably dropped on their heads a few too many times during infancy, but mostly because the world is populated by morons, and morons tend to breed like, well, morons. So whatevs. Morons can suck it.

Second, there is no singular experience when it comes to being a parent, gay or straight. The advantage to being a gay parent, though, is that we have much better taste and we don't age like the straights do, obvs. I know this is true because I read it on the interwebs, so clearly it's fact.

Third, my family and I are fortunate to live, work and go to school in communities where (most) peeps don't care who we love or how we live our lives. Frankly, IDGAF who (or what) my neighbors love or what they do in the privacy of their own homes because some of them are pretty wrecked and who wants to think about random peeps doing Unspeakable Things to Each Other? Not me.

Fourth, that Insidious Gay Agenda that all of the loons have been complaining about for years is obvs totes true because the gays have infiltrated virtually all parts of society, and everypony knows that if a homophobic moron has a problem with us being parents and stuff, we'd cut a bitch if we have to. While wearing Christian Louboutin stilettos.

Truth is, people like busy daddy and I have the luxury of socio-economic privilege, which exempts us from much of the vitriol and homophobia that others experience. I don't take this privilege lightly. In fact, I count my blessings daily. I'm much more concerned about gay and lesbian parents who don't have the same army of accountants and attorneys to kick ass when the moment arises. 

I guess our son is somewhat sheltered because of the choices we've made and the lives we lead, so he doesn't necessarily experience the kind of bullying that another kid with gay or lesbian parents might experience. Plus, if I ever found out that a moron kid was bullying my son because my son's parents happen to be gay, I have no problems beating the crap out of a moron kid. I have a mean left hook and I have no problems using it. Seriously. 

I suppose if we were living in the 1950s it would be different. Or if we lived someplace where morons ruled the roost, I'd feel differently. But thank the goddess we don't live in the 1950s or live someplace with a moron-majority.

Busy daddy and I do talk to the boy about acceptance (not mere tolerance) of different points of view, even points of view that are fundamentally wrong. We let the boy know that he has the power to help change somepony's mind through his actions and kindness, and if not, he has my permission to destroy anypony who strikes out at him (as long as the boy doesn't throw the first punch).

I've never once felt guilty about raising my son. Why would I? My son has an enviable life, IMHO, and not to brag or anything, but I'm a pretty good dad. Plus, I look fierce in a suit and tie and Christian Louboutin stilettos. Few dads can say the same thing.

Lately, the boy's nightly bedtime ritual includes skipping...



Lately, the boy's nightly bedtime ritual includes skipping bath time with increasing regularity and negotiating for more time to watch YouTube videos before lights out. Since I barely have any idea what time it is, I recently bought a little digital timer to manage the amount of extra time the boy gets. You know what? The thing works!

Like, as soon as the timer goes off, the boy immediately falls asleep. It's very Pavlovian. Plus, the Valium in his warm milk helps, too. I'm kidding! The boy doesn't drink milk before bedtime, silly!

Ye olde village ice cream parlor was a cluster fudge of peeps on...



Ye olde village ice cream parlor was a cluster fudge of peeps on account of the fact that it was still 87 degrees before sundown. Outside of the ice cream joint, I overheard a six-year-old girl bragging to her friend and her friend's parents that her dad was on Fox News this morning talking about the takers and the makers, which seemed to impress the Uppityville wannabes, but made me vomit a little bit in my mouth.

Since I already had dessert at home after dinner (because who can wait for such things, amirite?), I passed on getting ice cream. Cousin Sasha had a cup of Rainbow sherbet, while the boy had a scoop of Birthday Cake ice cream and a scoop of Cotton Candy ice cream. Even busy daddy had a teeny-tiny scoop of "Extreme" Chocolate ice cream. I don't know what made the stuff "Extreme," but it was such a dark chocolate brown that it was practically purple.

Busy daddy was all, "This cuppa ice cream is just like how I like my men." And I was all, What? Dark and creamy? And busy daddy was all, "No, cold like a dead fish."

I'm kidding! Busy daddy only went black once and he eventually went back. No, really, I'm kidding! Once busy daddy went black he never went back because I suppose I'm technically black and stuff. At least in my heart. My cold, dead fish, black heart.

Someponies were all, "Um, why are there two hands in that...



Someponies were all, "Um, why are there two hands in that awesome pic you took this morning at the local Knowledge Center-slash-One of the Lower Rings of Hell, yo!?!" And by someponies, I mean this pony

If I told everypony all of my secrets, I'd have to kill all the ponies swear everypony to secrecy, sheesh! But since it's just us Squirrel Friends, I'll let you in on one of my Ancient Chinese Secrets:

My company may or may not be working on a Top Secret Project, let's call it Smoogle Glasses—not to be confused with that other Top Secret Project that all of the cool kids are talking about—and I may or may not have been doing some field tests and stuff.

I know some peeps have been spilling gallons of haterade on what may or may not be the Coolest, Most Important New Technology Gadget of the Century Millennium, but really, they're just jealous. Whenever a pony tells me that I look "like a moron" or "like hipster douchebag" when I'm wearing my Smoogle Glasses, I'm all, Jealous much? Because I know I look totes fetch in my Smoogle Glasses, obvs!!!

My brother, a.k.a., lazy uncle, came to town from the city for a...



My brother, a.k.a., lazy uncle, came to town from the city for a quik-e visit, so we went to get some Vietnamese eats for lunch. It's actually a pretty nice day, albeit a super-hot one. It's weird because the older I get, the less bothered I am by the heat. Like, when I was younger, I couldn't stand being even a little bit hot and bothered, but now I'm like, 92 degrees in the shade? Bring it!!! Plus, nothing beats the summer heat like stuffing a plate of super-spicy beef in sate sauce into your face hole.

Oh, you know, just catching up on some of the Most Important...



Oh, you know, just catching up on some of the Most Important News of the Day at the local Knowledge Center-slash-One of the Lower Rings of Hell on a lazy Sunday morning. You?

Yes, I have a fistful of lip balm in my right hand. I have really chapped lips, so sue me, sheesh!

No, you're the one eating all of your feels at the...



No, you're the one eating all of your feels at the all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ buffet! Don't judge.

Après-swim, the boy and busy daddy had a quik-e snack and waited...



Après-swim, the boy and busy daddy had a quik-e snack and waited in the gym lobby while we waited for cousin Sasha to get dressed. Note how my six-year-old son sits like he's a 27-year-old business executive waiting for his next appointment. Gosh, that kid is going to own all of us one day.

It was, like, 92 degrees in the suburbs today, so we had the...







It was, like, 92 degrees in the suburbs today, so we had the Brilliant Idea of going to the pool for a quik-e dip. Apparently everypony in Uppityville and the surrounding area had the same Brilliant Idea because the pool was a cluster fudge of Uppityville residents and their friends and family from out of town.

But no matter. The boy had fun on the water slide with busy daddy, and cousin Sasha even went for a swim! Meanwhile, I sulked on a chaise longue because it was hot and stuff, and my mascara kept running down my face the whole time! I'm kidding! My COVERGIRL LashBlast Fusion is totes waterproof and smudgeproof, so I looked fierce and flawless, obvs.

Not that we're on the market for a new car or anything,...






The boy wanted to do a test drive, but his driver's license is expired.

Not that we're on the market for a new car or anything, but since we were already at the Uppityville mall, we decided to check out the Tesla Motors store. If you've never seen one of these high-end, all-electric cars in person, you need to check 'em out! They are gorgeous! And the store is like the Apple store, only they sell super-expensive cars and car accessories instead of super-expensive computers and computer accessories! So if you have, like, $100K burning a hole in your Gucci purse, go buy one!!! I'm talking to you, designing daddy.

My company may or may not have created the service design for Tesla, including the store experience and digital kiosks, and I may or may not get a kickback for every car sold through the store, so whatevs. I'm kidding! I don't get a kickback, JK. Not really. LOL. No, but really, go buy one of these cars!!!

After lunch, the Busy-Lazy boys were strolling around the...



After lunch, the Busy-Lazy boys were strolling around the Uppityville mall. We were minding our own beeswax when I unexpectedly had a Serious Chapped Lips Crisis. There isn't exactly a Walgreen's at the Uppityville mall, on account of all the Uppityville patrons and stuff, so I had to buy a stick of lip balm at Kiehl's. That shizz cost 9 bucks, yo!!! As if it's made out of unicorn tears and gold dust or something, sheesh!!! And the cashier at Kiehl's was a moron!!!

But at least my lips stopped bleeding from being chapped and stuff, so there's that, I guess.

I've decided to eat my feelings today. Don't judge.



I've decided to eat my feelings today. Don't judge.

You know how sometimes you wake up in a different city in a...



You know how sometimes you wake up in a different city in a different time zone than the one where you fell asleep and you're all, Where I stay be at? And then the alarm on your iPhone—which was set to some random song on your playlist at volume level 11—goes off when you're minding your own beeswax at the gym, even though it was originally scheduled to go off in a different city in a different time zone, like, last week, and da peeps at the gym are all, "What are those mad beatz coming from your pocket, yo?" And you're all, What mad beatz?

It's like that. 

It was Bring Your Dog to Work Friday at the office today! One of...



It was Bring Your Dog to Work Friday at the office today! One of the busy business ladies on the corporate team brought her totes adorbz Cockapoo, Lola. I asked Lola if she wanted to come back to New York with me, but she was all, "I'm too busy right now destroying this stuffed toy. Ask me later."

Gosh, I had a super-busy day at work today, but I was still able...


The Best Omelette I've Ever Had


Some Chinese eats


Apparently duck feet and wings are 2 dollars a pound

Gosh, I had a super-busy day at work today, but I was still able to squeeze in some yum eats, obvs.

Bright and early this morning, my boss took me back to the swank hotel where we had drinks at last night for a quik-e breakfast. The restaurant in the hotel is totes amazeballs! There's no menu, you basically tell the chef what you have a hankering for and he makes it. I had the Best Omelette I've Ever Had.

For lunch, I met up with a busy business lady colleague from Montréal for some yum Chinese eats. I dunno why, but the Chinese eats in Canada are, like, 96 percent better than the Chinese eats in New York. Actually, I know why. It's because the Chinese eats in New York have been watered down to suit the insipid palates of the insipid peeps in the area, while the Chinese eats in Canada are still authentic.

I'm so over New York, sheesh. New York can suck it.

Forgot to mention: last night after my totes fantastic evening...


Some cool shizz I saw at the Templar Hotel


Some more cool shizz I saw at the Templar Hotel

Forgot to mention: last night after my totes fantastic evening hanging with a bunch of drunk busy business ladies hobnobbing with some Very Important Marketing Peeps at a Very Important Marketing Event held at a Very Important Landmark Building in Toronto, I went back to my hotel room to call it an early night. I was minding my own beeswax, half-watching an episode of Canada's version of Undercover Boss—which, BTW, is way more maudlin than the U.S. version, but whatevs—when I got a text from my boss. It was 10:30 PM. Here's the transcript:

Bossman: Yo dawg, where u at?
Lazy dad: Um, I'm in my hotel room. Calling it an early night.
Bossman: Dude, it's early, we're going out. Meet you in the lobby in 10 minutes.
Lazy dad: No, really, I've been up since 4:00 AM, and the Very Important Marketing Event was everything you could imagine. Meaning, everyone was drunk.
Bossman: Then you'll need another drink.

We ended up going to a bar in swank boutique hotel around the corner from the busy business lady business hotel where I was staying. Turns out the Bossman knows everypony in town because even though the joint was closing down after a private party for bloggers attending some blogging conference, he walked in like he owned the place. Who knows, maybe he does? The barkeep was finishing up his shift, but he told the Bossman to help himself to some booze and to just put it on his regular tab.

Seriously guys, a pony has to be pretty gangsta to have a running tab at a swank hotel bar. The place was gorgeous, the kind of place that gets covered in Wallpaper*. Apparently it's also the city's best kept secret.

I had a few drinks with the Bossman, meaning I had Perrier while he had some beers. Everypony knows that I'm a complete anti-social n00b, so it's been interesting to spend as much time as I have with my busy business lady colleagues. Like, I've never spent as much time with work colleagues as I have with my colleagues at my new-ish job. You know what? It's actually not that bad. Dare I say, it's actually fun to hang out with them. Mostly because they hate dislike stupid, phony peeps almost as much as I do.

When I finally went to sleep, it was nearly 2:00 AM. So much for calling it an early night.

Dear the boy, I know you have Big Plans to move to San Francisco...



Dear the boy,

I know you have Big Plans to move to San Francisco (with or without me and daddy) so that you can pursue your dream of becoming the world's first six-year-old architect-slash-chef (an awesome career choice that I wholeheartedly endorse, BTW). But one day you may think that you need to become a busy business lady who works in technology or marketing because your dads work in technology and marketing. For the record, let me tell you this: don't.

People will always need someone to design buildings for them and someone to cook yum eats for them. But any ding-a-ling can work in technology and marketing, and thus most so many people who work in technology and marketing are ding-a-lings.

I will accept the technology part, sure, or design, obvs, but the thought of you—my precious, brilliant, talented son—wasting your genius by working in marketing breaks my heart. Marketing is for the birds. It is where people who have no better ideas end up. It is a career path for the weak-minded and half-hearted. It is an industry populated by frequently drunk, self-congratulating, egomaniacal dimwits who think selling crap to the masses is a life calling. It's not. Don't go there. Trust me. I know.

Love, your lazy dad.

Sometimes the life of a globetrotting busy business lady can be...



Sometimes the life of a globetrotting busy business lady can be so painfully glamorous, emphasis on the pain part. Like, when you get to attend swank soirées at fancy-schmancy landmark buildings with a ballroom-full of intoxicated busy business lady types, which forces a pony to hide in the men's room for a spell to escape from all of the booze and all of the glamour. Seriously guys, it's so freakin' glamorous.

Wish you were here to punch me in the face.

Toronto, why you gotta be so hot, yo? Especially when I'm...



Toronto, why you gotta be so hot, yo? Especially when I'm wearing a suit and tie and stuff?

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